Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
