Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
