He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
