I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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