living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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