I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
false alarm, still single
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize