i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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