Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
