all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
