Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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