Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
