i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
