someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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