I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need water and some morals
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize