Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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