i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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