hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
And then he peed in my hair
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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