how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
