Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i think my cat just said my name.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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