the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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