sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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