Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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