the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
