I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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