I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
