Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Every concussion has its silver lining
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
