I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
