You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
