i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
