Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your penis caused this!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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