Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
