are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
