textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
