What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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