you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
