I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
