It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
