It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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