I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
