the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
