this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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