Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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