So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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