Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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