Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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