I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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