i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
