hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
