He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
