mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
