thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
