I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
