i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
