Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
