Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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