thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
