Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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