Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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