What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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