the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my being single is dangerous.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
